But I have my moments...

Lately, I’ve seen a number of bloggers post about ‘rules’ and ‘advice’ – I’ve spoken myself about advice I would give my younger self. What I don’t seen, and what I’ve wanted to highlight are those moments that really define our dating lives. We have our nice guys, we have our dates that go nowhere, the people we date longer than we should because it’s easy. But we also have moments when we surprise ourselves.

I want to talk about both sides – how the same action can cause two very opposite reactions. I’ve had a number of moments I’m very proud of, but I’ve also had my own fair share cock-ups. All that I’ve really learned is that you never can be entirely sure what’s going on with the person standing opposite of you.

To quote Tove Lo, “I’m not the prettiest you’ve ever seen, but I have my moments.”

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Kissing Strangers:

September 2011, I was 20 years old, studying abroad in London and legally drinking for the first time. On the day I’m thinking of, I’d been in London for three weeks, my relationship in the states ended brutally involving way too many outsiders getting involved in my business. That day we toured the Tower of London, went to Brick Lane and had dinner with plenty of wine with my new Study Abroad friends. At this point, I was someone who only drank at house parties or with my boyfriend who had a fake ID. I wasn’t accustomed to alcohol – so after a couple glasses of white – I was buzzed. After dinner, we all agree to go home, and meet up again later to ‘pre-game and go out.’

Somehow I’d spent most of college without pre-gaming, probably because I only pre-gamed once or twice… again, I feel the need to point out that for me ‘pre-gaming’ was and still often is the ONLY game – I’m a small person, I have a low tolerance. But we pre-game and then we go out in East London. We go to a sort of bar that I would describe as all at once ‘a dive, hipster, and grunge rock’ (as only London can).

After grabbing a drink, and then a man buying me a second drink, I find myself without anyone to talk to as a few people head to the restroom. But I’m a sorority girl. Why is that important you ask? One very crucial skill that every sorority girl is forced to learn through ‘Recruitment’ – how to insert yourself seamlessly into someone else’s conversation. It involved a light touch to the small of your girlfriend’s back to let her know you’re there. She will instinctively move back and open up a spot for you to nudge yourself into the circle of conversation.

I’m not sure I can describe to you the near-instant connection I made with a man in the circle when our eyes met. Slowly, we ended up just talking to each other, he bought me my third drink for the night and we continued to talk for at least an hour. I could have talked to him until the bar closed – but my friends came up to tell me that we would be leaving soon.

I don’t know how I did this, but I simply said “Can I do something that I’ve been thinking about for a while now?” to the man I’d been speaking to. He looked confused and I went for a kiss. He didn’t push me away. I got two kisses in, and then it was time to go. No numbers exchanged, but I now know for a fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about me for days after.

I’m still very proud of that moment.

But kissing a stranger has not always been great for me. There’ve been plenty of cock-ups as well. Namely due to lipstick.

Bright red lipstick looks great. Scientifically, men look at a woman wearing lipstick nearly a full second longer than a woman not wearing lipstick. Bright red lipstick used to be a calling card for me – I wore it nearly every day. After college, it became a special occasion accessory - mostly because it is difficult to eat and drink while maintaining this deep colour.

A few weeks ago, I thought to myself, ‘this outfit will look great with lipstick’. And my female Uber driver agreed. I believed it was just be a simply night out – I did not expect to have an instant chemistry with a gorgeous Australian.

Fun fact – when you’re wearing red lipstick and then MAKE OUT with someone – that lipstick goes EVERYWHERE. I recently saw a picture from that night that someone took after he and I kissed. My immediate reaction ‘delete that.’ Fuckin Ronald McDonald.

Do not wear red lipstick if you MIGHT kiss someone. Or – grab a napkin as soon as that chemistry starts to heat up.

Making Moves:

November 2017. I was at a Charity ‘Date Auction’ – women were bidding on dates with men, and all the money raised would go to a charitable cause. I volunteered for the first ‘Door Shift’ for my organizations running this event. I checked people in, gave them their wrist band and took their venmo payments for the entry fee.

By volunteering for the first shift, I was free for the rest of the night and still there for some open bar time. Since it was a Date Auction, I went up to each and every man up for auction to say ‘Hi’ and ‘Thank You’ – also letting them know that I would not be bidding, because I'm poor.

When I approached one group of men, I learned that the tall blonde in front of me was simply there to ‘support his buddy’ who was up for auction. Learning that one of the most attractive men in the room was not up for auction was a very positive development. We talked a bit further, he mentioned being attracted to short girls and looked pointedly at me. I was definitely getting a vibe.

At that point in my life – I had just run my first marathon, I had been doing exceedingly well on dating apps and I was feeling great about myself. I’m also competitive.

The club soon filled up and it was difficult to move quickly. On my way to the bar, this tall man and I were walking past one another. I stopped briefly, laid my hand flat upon his chest and said loud enough to other to hear, “I’m getting your number before you leave.” And I heard his positive response as I walked away, a small smile on my lips.

On our first date, he let me know that other women heard and backed off and how hot it was for him.

Of course this only works if the focus on your attention is single and interested.  I’ve also used this and have been completely shut down.

About six months later, my tall blond and I have split ways. I’m speaking to a very attractive, very muscular man at a bar. To this day, I can’t remember why my hands were on his abs – but I remember that I was very impressed. Impressed enough, and thinking to myself ‘well, it’s worked before…’ that I said, “Fuck it, can I get your number?” and he responded “I don’t think my girlfriend would like that.”

Well, damn! Why did you invite me to touch you if you are taken?!? I don’t think your girlfriend would have liked THAT either, but you did.

You see that rant above, but know that at that moment I was DEEPLY embarrassed.  That feeling of shame from hitting on the wrong person is bound to happen to all of us at one point or another. It’s hard to come back from, and I’m not sure any amount of foundation can cover up that red-faced crush of shame and rejection.

I got a bit cocky from one long shot and I fucked up. Perhaps this is why I no longer ask for men’s numbers.

I look back with pride on my moments of bold behaviour – but now, many of those moments are balanced with the deep, deep shame and embarrassment from other moments when being bold did not work in my favour.

We never really know what the person across from us is feeling, what their experiencing and where they are in life. I am still wrestling with whether or not it is better to be bold or chill.

I’ve had fun doing both… Perhaps there is no right answer – because how can there be? We only ever know how we feel – and sometime we don’t even know that. One of the reasons that dating is so hard is that we can never truly know what is motivating the person across from us. But that also keeps it interesting.